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Joke of the Day

"(Flash of brilliance while out shopping) My friend asked me what my favorite store to shop at was. I couldn't decide, so I said I love ""them all"""

"I just threw a football through a tire swing and now I'm in first place in the NFC South?"

"[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership] i feel like you're overreacting. these are moderate savings at best"

"Me: Why am I still single? Brain: You're weird as shit. Body:You're fat. Face:You're pretty ugly. Food: Don't worry babe, I'm here for you."

"The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I'll become beautiful."

"What did the letter O say to the letter Q? ""Hey, your dick is hanging out"""

"This pun may hurt a bit But I'll tell it to you straight: Hemorrhoids are a pain in the ass *...and I'll be seeing myself out*"

"I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it's because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager."

"A girl told me to come over... A girl told me, ""Come over, nobody's home."" I went over, nobody was home. (Rodney Dangerfield)"

"What do you call it when batman skips church? Christian Bale"