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Joke of the Day

"Every episode of my life starts with a short recap and the voice over says ""Previously on wasted potential..."""

"Success is like Pregnancy Everyone congratulates you, but no one knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it."

"If I had a nickel for every GEICO commercial I've ever seen, I could buy us all car insurance."

"I hate it when you have french fries and all of the sudden people are acting like they like you"

"Pictures of rich missing kids should go on the back of 1%"

"[argument w/girlfriend] HER: you know what your problem is? ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i'm about to find out"

"How do you call a party with people who have epilepsy? Foam fest"

"Did you here about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months."

"My husband really loves our new couch. In fact, he loves it so much he called me his exwife's name just so he could sleep on it."

"What's the biggest Jewish conundrum? Free Bacon!"