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Joke of the Day

"[helping son prepare for first date] ""what if she doesn't like it"" *stuffing handkerchiefs up son's sleeve* be confident in your magic, son"

"I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe."

"What do you get a man who has everything? A good urologist."

"Cute cat ""Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds"" You mean sheds? ""No"" [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]"

"What's the worst part of being a paedophile? It's hard to fit in."

"One time I wore my brother's t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween."

"I left my Adderral in my Ford Fiesta I came back to a Ford Focus"

"What is your favorite one or two line joke? (X-Post from AskReddit) http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/32df3n/what_is_your_favorite_one_to_two_line_joke/ There were some funny jokes in there"

"Did you hear about the mummy that reached the top 10 with his new album? People say it's cause he has the tightest wraps"

"I have a friend who's fat, alcoholic, and transvestite. All he does all day long is eat drink and be Mary"