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Joke of the Day

"Cute cat ""Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds"" You mean sheds? ""No"" [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]"

"After A Game ""We kicked their asses!"" ""Yeah, we rectum."""

"Not tryin to impress anyone BUT the priest did just say I had the ""body of Christ"" right before he fed me a cracker. Gym has been paying off"

"""Help! Someone has been killed at the dance!"" Ok, well calm down. We don't want any panic at the disco."

"How many Freuds does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to change the lightbulb and another to hold the penis. ... ... ... Er... I mean... The ladder."

"Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang, ""We are family, even though you're fatter than me."""

"year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again"

"How do you get negative inflation ? Deflation."

"I don't understand... My wife keeps telling me to load the dishwasher... Then she gets mad when I pour her a double..."

"A liar, a murderer, and a cheater walk into a bar. The New England Patriots must be in town."