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Joke of the Day

"5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times."

"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."

"What comes after the third car? The ford car."

"my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget: RENT: $800 GAS: $200 CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750 me: ur right, i need a cheaper place."

"Aaron Hernandez just got convicted...... From Tight End to now Wide receiver"

"When someone shows you a picture of their kid the one thing they don't wanna hear is... ""Oh yeah I have some photos of your kid too"""

"Home early. Wife : ""Why are u home so early?"" Hubby : ""My boss said go to hell!"""

"The fastest way to convert from centimeters to meters... Just remove the first 5 letters."

"After several drinks last night, I had a great Buzz. Unfortunately I was no longer able to get a Woody."

"Lying is a sin! I heard a woman lied to her husband about sleeping with another man. Now there's a whole religion over it."