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Joke of the Day
"I was reading earlier about a dwarf who got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?"
Next Joke
"I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates."
"wife: can you stop messing around lawyer: im not wife: just read my husband's will please lawyer: that's what it says.. ""oOoOoh im a ghost"""
"""What doesn't kill you makes you smaller!"" -ask Super Mario"
"Why doesn't George R.R Martin use Twitter? Because he killed off all 140 characters."
"[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines] Me: is that good"
"With all of this technology, you would think we would have exercise equipment that simulated scenes from Jurassic Park to actually motivate my ass to run."
"Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette"
"Another International Ninja Day went completely unnoticed."
"Do you know a good veterinarian? Got asked this by a friend the other day. Hey, do you know a good veterinarian? <he starts flexing his muscles> 'cause these puppies are SICK."