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Joke of the Day
"Is Monica Lewinsky good at the piano? I don't know about the piano, but she sucks at the organ."
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"""It is scary how much false attribution of quotes occurs on Twitter."" - Mark Twain"
"*pushes math homework away in 1990* I'll never need this *getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014* I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS"
"No I in team Word of advice; if anyone ever gives you the ""There is no I in team!"" speach, you look him dead in the eye and say ""true, but there is a 'U' in dumb."""
"What would it take to reunite the Beatles? Two more bullets."
"Which is heavier: a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Depends on which weigh you think about it"
"Daughter just told me my hair looks good. The request for a ride will be coming in less than 10 minutes."
"Why did Frodo set his cell phone to vibrate? He was afraid the ring would give him away."
"Whats the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian? Ones a snack cracker and ones a crack snacker!"
"What did Sean Connery do when he saw a guy drowning? he started undressing and yelled 'I will shave you'"