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Joke of the Day

"Showed my husband all the super-awesome Twitter lists I'm on. He put me on a list called People I Probably Shouldn't Have Married."

"What do you call a bee that lives in the US? USB ^^ I'll show myself out..."

"Every program I write is completely error-free No exceptions!"

"Roses are Dead, Violets are Dead I am a bad gardener"

"Forget drugs, with these new airline baggage fees I'm gonna have to start smuggling luggage up my asshole."

"You know you're getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you."

"The new Trump Administration is re-doing the voice mail prompts at the White House... Thank you for calling the White House. For English, press 1. <silence>"

"I renamed my dad ""Death"" in my phone's contacts. Just so I remember that life can always get worse."

"What do you call it when you get an erection at a funeral? Mourning Wood."

"What did Luke get for pulling Darth Vader's face mask off? A 15 yard penalty."