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Joke of the Day

"You know you're getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you."

"I have invented a revolutionary drug that can cure third-world hunger... Just take one little pill with a meal 3x per day."

"What's so cool about taking a picture of a bathroom mirror?"

"People as ticklish as me shouldn't get pedicures. I've kicked this Asian in the face twice already."

"I feel ripped off. I was with a bunch of kids today and not one of them said anything even remotely darndest."

"What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? Damn!"

"You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows."

"what do jeb bush and lance arm strong have in common? everyone was disappointed with their last speeches and no one was disappointed when they dropped out of the race"

"How many ""friend zoned"" guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw."

"*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*"