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Joke of the Day

"Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I'm some sort of amateur? *googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*"

"I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan"

"How do you know you're allergic to cats if you don't even eat them?"

"It's cute how my family thinks I'm playing with fire and I'm just trying to cook them breakfast"

"The reason cats are so pissy is they're God's perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them"

"Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Ted Cruz are on a plane. The plane crashes. Who survives? America."

"Why cant Miss Piggy count to 100? Every time she gets to 69 she has a frog in her throat."

"Two altar boys are hoping to work in a church. They are walking down the aisle in the church when the priest sees them. He walks up to them and says, ""Gee, I've never come across your faces before."""

"Have you ever seen moth balls? Yeah? Well, how did you get their tiny legs apart?"

"Everyone tells me I hold grudges just like my dad. They say I'm a chip on the old shoulder."