83352

Joke of the Day

"Me when my friends are sad: 268 text messages of advice and tell them how perfect they are. Then when I'm sad: Oh, sorry ."

"X used to mark the spot but.. fuck waiting for you to get it on your own X gon deliver to you"

"A woman marries a man..... A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does."

"[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]"

"A Sinking Boat Clinton, Nixon, and Reagan were on a sinking Boat. Reagan: Women & Children go first Nixon: Fuck the Women! Clinton: You think we have time?"

"I was just diagnosed with a severe lack of empathy. But I'm gonna keep going strong! The last thing I will do is start feeling sorry for myself."

"What's the most racist math discipline? Statistics."

"I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas."

"Why did the bald man cut a hole in his pocket? He wanted to run his fingers through his hair."

"The monkey at the zoo ruined my new shirt. I should have seen it coming."