188857

Joke of the Day

"Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider :("

"No James, that isn't a giant peach... ...that is Nicki Minaj walking away from us."

"[ phone call ] Wife: You want the white 7"" or the black 9"". Me: The black 9"". ..and if she wasn't tablet shopping this would be awkward."

"If you stare at a 6 year old when they're eating a banana split, they hold it real close and eat faster."

"Pretty disappointed that Shakespeare's Hamlet didn't turn out to be the story of a delicious tiny ham."

"Someone stole your tiny Stradivarius? Aw, poor baby, I'm playing the world's smallest violin for you. It's, uh, a different one. Gotta go."

"What were the founding father's favorite cereals? Chex and Balance"

"my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm"

"No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this"

"Scientist: But WHY is the bee population dying? Scientist: No idea. *eats bee* Scientist: Did you just eat a bee? Scientist: *eats bee* No."