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Joke of the Day

"[interview after finishing last in the olympics] do you regret saying ""I could win this race wearing flip flops"" [pulls mic close] yes"

"Q. If a blonde and a brunette were falling off a building who would hit the ground first? A. The brunette because the blonde would stop for directions."

"Me: Are these your kids? Boss: ""Yep"" They're gorgeous! ""Thanks"" Step kids? ""Nope"" Adopted? ""No.."" .. "".."" She's cheating on you.. ""Get out"""

"I used to be a plumber on the International Space Station Shit was outta this world."

"Why was the burrito embarrassed? It saw the salad dressing."

"Do you have any naked pictures of your girlfriend on your phone??? No?? Want me to send some to you?"

"I once told my dad: ""I feel there are a good and a bad wolf in me fighting for control. But which one will win in the end?"" He said: ""The one you feed."""

"Why shouldn't we talk about Catholic Priests? It's a touchy subject."

"Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of herself saying ""Not looking good today"" after deleting the first 50 pictures she took"

"How do you know the toothbrush was made in France? Anywhere else it would've been the ""teethbrush"""