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Joke of the Day

"[interview after finishing last in the olympics] do you regret saying ""I could win this race wearing flip flops"" [pulls mic close] yes"

"What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump-kin!"

"Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween."

"TIL Diarrhea is hereditary It runs in your jeans"

"*Pulls your panties to the side* *Tries to remember how I even ended up wearing your panties*"

"Forgive me Twitter for I have sinned, it's been twenty minutes since my last Tweet."

"Hey, Can I take you to Hogwarts? Because I'm 9 and 3/4."

"What's green and eats nuts... Syphilis."

"I hope that fat guy didn't notice me glancing at the weight limit sign on the elevator just now. Or clearing my throat and pointing at it."

"Dear Lord, if my happiness bothers some people, please give them their own happiness so they won't bother hating on mine."