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Joke of the Day

"*about to rob a bank* ""Okay, lets do this. Everybody, grab a gun"" i dont need one ""why not"" i already have two *kisses biceps*"

"Obviously you don't think you're ignorant! That's the meaning of ignorance!"

"[walking on beach] [find bottle with message in it] Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING? [another bottle with message washes against my feet]"

"I only know 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know why."

"Not now, inspirational quotes on my cough drop wrapper."

"Why should you know who is the bride at an Irish wedding? Because that's the one you're *not* allowed to punch in the face."

"PERSONAL TRAINER: How's your nutrition? ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It's been worse."

"My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I'd start lying to my wife."

"What did the martini say when someone put a toothpick in it? It hurts, but olive."

"5 Brazilian dollars sounds like a lot of money... However, with the current exchange rate its only about $1.35 USD"