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Joke of the Day

"ME: i'm nervous WIFE: don't be. just be confident [later] BOSS: so do you think you'd be right for the job ME: *confidently* no"

"ME: any advice DAD: its ok to embellish a little [later at job interview] INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself M: i wrote harry potter"

"What do you call a Mexican fist-fighting with a pedophile? Alien vs. Predator"

"Did you hear about the problem in Pakistan where smoking a scorpion gets you high? Well only the men get high, the women get stoned"

"""I see that you're wearing a black shirt, so I'm going to be extra affectionate today."" -Cats"

"I asked my aunt how much a couple is, she said two or three Maybe that's why her relationships don't work out so well"

"My New Year's resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048x1080. I'll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word 'resolution' can also refer t"

"It's funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was ""too much of a prude"" is now a Catholic school teacher."

"hey can I use your bathroom? cashier: only paying customers jesus...ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-"

"I should get a bigger tax return According to Digiorno's I'm a family of four."