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Joke of the Day

"My best toys run on batteries"

"""Push harder"" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor... ""Screw you"" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!"

"I've had second thoughts about masturbation... On one hand, it feels great. On the other hand, you don't feel a thing."

"What happened when the cannibal got a religion? He only ate Catholics on Fridays!"

"I went into a pesticide shop and asked the owner if he had anything for flies. Stupid idiot shat in my hand."

"What's a clown's favorite restaurant? (mod post from r/AntiJokes) I wouldn't know, as a mime I cannot comment."

"After my friend passed away I got his sibling a parrot to soften the blow. I also taught it to say, ""Dave, it's your brother. Reincarnation is real!"""

"Think I might change my kids name to Worldstar... So whenever he is in a fight people would be cheering for him."

"Twitter is the only place where it's actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots."

"A baby seal walks into a club.... ba dum bump - ting...."