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Joke of the Day

"What did the libertarian shirt say when it was thrown into the washing machine? AM I BEING DE-STAINED?!"

"I'm going to get a job at a liquor store just so I can card people & see who's lying about how much they weigh on their ID."

"I tried gay phone sex last night, but I'm not sure I'm doing it right. I was the giver and it was the receiver."

"A high-dea supported by evidence... Is called a High-pot-thesis"

"USERS: you're alienating the people who actually use your product TWITTER: likes are now florps USERS: what TWITTER: timeline goes sideways"

"[Parent-Teacher Conference] Teacher: ..if another kid is mean to her, she calmly walks away Me: *flips table* WHICH KID IS MEAN TO HER?!?!"

"Did you know that AC/DC made the longest song ever? It lasted 12 albums"

"You have something big inside you. Share it with the world: MetamucilTM"

"If I had a year to live, I would spend it with my ex... because it would be the longest year of my life."

"If you turn pineapple upside down cake right side up, it's just cake."