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Joke of the Day

"If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you'd hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day."

"Don't try this at home. If homeless, go for it!"

"Contrary to the rest of America, Twitter runs on drunken."

"ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? ME:Well if you'd just sod off like I asked, I wouldn't have to throw lamps at you."

"I could tell you a Chemistry joke .....but I probably wouldn't get much of a reaction"

"British seasons: Spring: Two months Summer: Eight minutes Autumn: Three weeks Winter: Seven years"

"My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more naughty in bed But now she wants me to give her toys back."

"HR: ""You've put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact."" Me: ""Yeah, I'd like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend."""

"I once helped an elderly Japanese man cross the street. Afterwards he said, ""Sank you."" So I punched him in the face. He didn't have to bring up Pearl Harbor like that."

"Why do they call it PMSing? Mad Cow disease was already taken."