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Joke of the Day

"HR: ""You've put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact."" Me: ""Yeah, I'd like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend."""

"What would you call a restaurant for anorexics? The Empty Plate..."

"''Daddy, i'm gonna shoot Bacon out of the sky'' ''Yeah, when pigs fly''"

"What's Mike Tyson's favorite Scarlett Johansson film? Luthy."

"Baseball Joke What takes longer to run, first to second, or second to third? Second to third, because there's a short stop in the middle!"

"The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word."

"What's the opposite of assault? a pepper."

"The other day I was trying to make a noise with two of my fingers and my thumb, and no matter how much I practiced nothing seemed to work... Then it clicked"

"Why do airplanes have to go around the sweatpants factory? Because it's a NO FLY zone!"

"""Girls love illegible texts at 3:00am. Trust me."" -Alcohol"