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Joke of the Day

"How do you teach a girl math? Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, give her a square root and watch her multiply."

"It's like grandma always said... In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs"

"What do you do to dead chemists? You barium."

"I tried to force feed my child... After a while, my wife said, ""Just use a fucking spoon Mike, you're not a Jedi."""

"The Vietnamese world domination: one nail salon at a time."

"Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven."

"HR said it's not necessary but I like my sickness to be taken seriously by having my mom send in an email validating my degree of sickness"

"ah, mercury's going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth"

"I'm thinking of writing a Mystery novel... or am I?"

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me ... they were cramming for their finals."