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Joke of the Day

"Arrived home super drunk. Put the turkey in the oven and went up and banged my wife. Woke up next to the turkey. Afraid to check the oven."

"When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine."

"Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie."

"If what you don't know can't hurt you, you're invulnerable."

"Ooo! The morning weather girl... Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast."

"How do you know if a homeless person has a girlfriend? His clean fingers."

"The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound."

"What was the best thing Kurt Cobain ever released? The safety."

"The other day I saw two squirrels making noises at each other as if they were arguing. You could say they were squarreling."

"What's the slogan for Orion's Pizza? OP delivers. Not a great joke, but my wife claims no one will get it. I am trying to prove her wrong."