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Joke of the Day

"Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it's best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl."

"Why does my 4 year old son trigger my cars seat belt alarm but my 30 pack of beer doesn't? Because I buckle up my beer."

"How does Brutus eat his salad? With a knife and Caesar dressing."

"Please do not power off or unplug your machine. Installing update 45 of 9484727192873828277362517293847265127826262827262726273633833727..."

"Why were the ducks arrested? They were selling quack in the park."

"Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn't over. It's just beginning! Me: *sobs even harder"

"Ten minutes into ""conspiracy theories and chill..."" ...we start gettin *illuminaughty.*"

"*Soccer Commentator* 'Adopted Children F.C. are having a great season, they might even make the playoffs this year if they can sort out their weakest position.' 'Nobody wants to be left back!'"

"My boys are gamers and I'm single It's like a race to see who can use the most batteries"

"Girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don't know enough about you to finish this joke."