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Joke of the Day

"So I brought a girl home from the bar last night... When we got to bed, she said ""Give me twelve inches and make me bleed!"" So I fucked her twice and punched her in the face."

"Men and women are not so different afterall They both imagine each other on their knees."

"Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them."

"I think unscented candles are bullshit... cuz every candle smells like something's burning. (Best read in a Hedberg voice.)"

"What do you call a black guy wearing an ankle bracelet? A stay at home dad"

"Why can't Edward leave Russia this winter? He'll be Snowden."

"It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver's seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand."

"He's going to change just for you? Wow, you must be a very special kind of stupid"

"Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa Her: I'm so sorry, are you upset? M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let's call it even"

"Quite frankly autocorrect I'm tired of your shirt"