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Joke of the Day

"A man walks into a bank... and yells ""this is a fuck up!"" confused, the teller says ""you mean a stick up?"" ""Nope, it's a fuck up, I forgot my gun"""

"[blind date] Her: so do you go on a lot of dates? Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones."

"Let's spend the rest of our next 5 to 7 years together."

"I've been procrastinating on lots of projects which means I've been multitasking all morning which means I've earned a nap."

"A grasshopper walks into a bar . . . A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender: Ya know, we have a drink named after you! Grasshopper: You have a drink named Steve?"

"What did the hamburgers say to the butcher who acted on a TV show? Welcome back Cutter!"

"A tombstone that has a scrolling LED marquee of your greatest tweets."

"Why was the steel angry? Because it lost it's temper."

"What's the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? Well, the pickpocket snatches watches,"

"So funny how ""go to sleep"" and ""do parkour"" sound exactly the same to kids."