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Joke of the Day

"Two reasons I won't give money to homeless people. 1. They're probably just going to buy beer with that money. 2. I'm going to buy beer with that money. Edit: changed for to with."

"Only 5 days until Facebook is stacked with return to the gym statuses and pictures of salads."

"Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? A: Kitty Perry"

"shows up late for first day of new job *blames it on rush hour* shows up late for second day of new job *blames it on rush hour 2*"

"Interviewer: Do you plan on having children? Me: I have four, why start now?"

"Why can't you tell knock knock jokes about freedom? Because freedom rings"

"LUCY: Dad, how did I get my name? [flashback] ME (signing contract in blood): Ok but can we at least shorten it? LUCIFER: That's fine"

"Why does Tom Hiddleston only invite his closest friends/family to his birthday? He likes to keep things low key."

"Why was Helen Keller a bad driver? 'cause she's a woman!"

"You can fart openly as long as you're always holding a whoopee cushion."