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Joke of the Day

"All my Facebook friends are starting to have kids. Better deactivate my acct. before they try to guilt me into liking pics of their aliens."

"This man's dad was an atheist. Told me he was a god damned mother fucker."

"I met the guy who invented window sills... What a ledge!"

"What should you do if you're cold? Stand in a corner. They're usually 90 degrees."

"What's the dumbest animal in the desert? The Polar Bear"

"How do you get 100 babies into a bowl? A blender. How do you get them out? Tortilla chips"

"So Hungry If Katniss Everdeen's friend Peeta got blown up, would the resulting crater be a Peeta pocket?"

"A dyslexic boy was beaten up by classmates for trying to ride on the regular bus instead of the short bus. Whoops, wrong sub."

"I'm on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?"

"I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I'm too excited to wait at home so I'm camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?"