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Joke of the Day

"When most people say, ""I'm on a diet,"" what they mean is, ""I eat exactly as much as I normally do, but now I feel guilty about it."""

"How do you stop ISIS? Leave some milk in the sun for a few days."

"Did you hear they're gonna make a new TV show about Bruce growing up as an unloved child? They're gonna call it Punky Bruceter."

"Why don't pirates drive on mountain roads? 'Scurvy"

"I just swept a girl off her feet. I'm quite an aggressive janitor."

"If turkeys go extinct and we start eating giraffes for Thanksgiving, I got dibs on the neck."

"So i was sitting on the toilet today... Nah it's a shit joke, nevermind"

"Why did the angry Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side."

"I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, ""I don't know. I don't speak Chinese."" Then when people ask me what it means..."

"I wish parents would watch their kids better because my basement is filling up"