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Joke of the Day

"[first date] ME: I'm having a great time HER: I'm not ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don't even let my dog in here, Janet"

"My wife thinks I'm stupid for using Twitter so much. But I think she's stupid for marrying me, so I think we all know who won this argument."

"My barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber."

"What does the aardvark call his dog? Aard-bark!"

"Sure, white people can't say the n-word, but.... At least we can say, ""Hey dad"" and ""Thanks for the warning officer."""

"An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfit fanatic walk into a bar... Who talks more?"

"Did you hear about the guy that was hospitalized with several plastic horses in his ass? His condition is stable"

"I need to workout ASAP I gotta start working out or something man. Was struggling to get all the juice squeezed out of a lemon. Not cool"

"A german asks his friend for the time So a german asks his friend ""Do you know what time it is?"" ""Nein"" ""really? I could've sworn it was 8"""

"Whats brown and rhymes with ""snoop""? Dr. Dre"