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Joke of the Day

"My wife asked me recently to do something to commemorate our pet dog who got run over and killed last month. So I took a shit on the carpet."

"maintenance guy at the airport just told me he'd rather look at girls' poop than guys' poop. No more small talk today."

"What's the difference between bruce banner and bruce jenner? One turned into a terrifying monster, the other is an avenger."

"What do you call a French cow that grows sprouts instead of fur? Chia LaBeouf"

"I've been taking something for my Kleptomania. I've been taking something for my Kleptomania"

"What's the worst thing about being an atheist? You have no one to call to when you're having an orgasm."

"I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice while on vacation. My gondolences."

"What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when someone told him to upgrade to Windows 7? I still love vista, baby"

"[start of interview] Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere* Interviewer: ...welcome to BP"

"How do construction workers party? they raise the roof."