183429

Joke of the Day

"Marriage... a relationship between a person who's always right and her husband."

"I was dating an English teacher, but she dumped me.... She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon."

"ME: Jesus Christ, this is the slowest train I've ever travelled on BRIDE: Someone please get this prick off my dress"

"What did one orphan say to another? Get in the Batmobile Robin."

"*brain waking up* oh god please not again I can't keep existing in this reality *brain 20 minutes later* 1000000 chameleons is a chamillion"

"The awkward moment when someone's zipper is down & you don't know whether to tell, because you can't explain why you were looking that low."

"I asked my girlfriend at dinner, ""Why are you being so salty?"" Her response - with a flat, even look: ""I've been well seasoned."" I lost it"

"[pitching movie] ""It's Titanic..."" Go on ""from the iceberg's perspective"" holy shit"

"It is okay to make jokes about Donald Trump, For now..."

"How I want to die... I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."