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Joke of the Day

"Cop- Do you know why I pulled you over? Me- Because I fucked your mom? Cop- Get out of the car! Me- Wait! Don't I get another guess?"

"Alright, so, two Jews walk into a shower I bet you can finish this one"

"Put me in your bio so I know it's real... Just kidding, I'd rather be in your will."

"*on a first date* Me: [remembering how my friend said women like mysterious men] my favorite color is a secret"

"Having sex is a lot like communism... You both give and receive equally, you take turns reading from the communist manifesto, Stalin is there!"

"Asking ""Why aren't you married yet"" is like asking ""Why haven't you jumped from a moving car yet?"" B/c it's painful and not required"

"I don't have OCD... I have CDO. The letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be."

"What did Sting get in Amsterdam? A massage in a brothel"

"What does a battery have that a women hasn't? A positive side...."

"You think if I tell my dad ""30 is the new 20"" he'll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?"