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Joke of the Day

"What did Richard Nixon say after he tried to make dinner at the White House for the first time? I am not a cook"

"I wouldn't say Christmas gnomes are small. But they used to be lumberjacks on a mushroom farm!"

"It's no fun when someone you're ignoring ignores you back."

"""Holy shit, amazing!!!"" -Asian guy using fork for the first time"

"Wearing crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy... it feels good until you look down and realize you're gay."

"I employed a new gardener and gave him a list of tasks to do, when I returned he had only done tasks 1,3,5 and 7 on the list. Turns out he's an odd job man."

"Why are Pirates pirates??? Because they ARRRRR"

"What did the watch say when the necklace, earrings, purse and ring killed the shoes? I won't be an accessory to this."

"What do you call a dog with no legs It doesn't matter that son of a bitch still won't come when u call it"

"Isn't it amazing that human brains are still faster than supercomputers? Eventually they'll start putting wheels on the machines though."