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Joke of the Day

"Hi! Welcome to my makeup tutorial SO, the first step is to be a beautiful 20 year old with lots of money"

"Siri, when does the restraining order expire?"

"Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and- *chemistry set explodes* Mom: what was that?! God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*"

"A video game where you are haunted by ghosts of your ancestors. They swarm around you and moan ""get a job"" or ""we are so disappointed."""

"My biggest complaint about Batman v Superman is how the movie always just assumes you know which one is which."

"You know why it'd called modern jazz right? No? It's because ""A peace if crap was already taken."""

"Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I'm onto your marketing scam... #EasterBaskets"

"Kids we are running late let's go! *Kids I'm going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*"

"Hear about that Saudi girl? Sunnibody try to kill her, but Shiite"

"If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there'd be no problems."