182519

Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend said I treat her like a little girl. So, I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself."

"[after my murder] COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him? WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy"

"With all this talk of making Puerto Rico the 51st state, I think we should find 2 more to make 53. One nation, indivisible."

"What's the shittiest dog race? The poo-dle! I'll be seeing myself out :/"

"[dog park] Dog: omg I just found out I'm adopted Other Dogs: [barking in shock]"

"I asked my friend if he wanted to hear some dubstep. He said, ""Tech, no!"""

"I asked my friend from North Korea how it was to live there. He said he couldn't complain."

"My girlfriend is in Mexico for vacation and if she has a Juan night stand while she's down there, her and I are totally done."

"My daughter put a horse's head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss."

"Why is time wary of mathematicians? They're always plotting against it."