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Joke of the Day

"If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item."

"What do you call a black man flying an airplane? A pilot, you racist bastard."

"I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with."

"Dr: your father is real sick Woman: [sobbing] how long? [her dad wheelies past on a bmx] Dr: almost six yards that time"

"WHY DID THE HIPPOPOTAMUS NEED HIS VENTILIN? BECAUSE HE WAS HIPPOVENTILATING!"

"Racism Test- What do you call a black guy who flies an airplane? A pilot of course."

"A sweet treat. I find my sex life is a lot like Nutella. Everyone loves it and has it all the time, and I'm just sitting in bed alone with a box of Ritz crackers."

"I only have eyes for you. We sold out of skin swaths & teeth a couple hours ago. Last few eyes are in that bucket. (50% off bruised ones.)"

"I once accidentally started a flash mob when I thought a spider might be on me."

"AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE Thanks."