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Joke of the Day

"""Hey, careful with that iPod, man, that was expensive."" ""So? You didn't pay for it."" And that's how my kid learned the truth about Santa."

"What did the mouse say to the webcam? Cheese."

"Why don't the Borg procreate naturally? Because they prefer artificial assimilation."

"Just did my holiday shopping. I've got so many shorts now; I'm swimming in them!"

"SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do? [tree hiding in broom closet tenses up] DAD: Nonsense. [tree sighs in relief]"

"Telemarketer: Good afternoon, Sir. Me: Do you walk with a limp? Telemarketer: No. Me: Want to? Telemarketer: Thank you for your time."

"Text from niece: I'm board! M: Perhaps you could work on your spelling. N: Wat?"

"What's your favorite ""I just hurt myself or messed up"" phrase? Like, oh fuck! Oh shit! TITTY SPRINKLESSSSSSS"

"All these phone companies advertising for ""More lines, more savings!"" But when I do more lines my savings go to shit."

"In Canada , we have two seasons... six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling."