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Joke of the Day

"Instead of presents, give your kids ""presence."" Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever."

"[First day as hitman] ME: Don't worry boss, I'll deal with him accordionly. BOSS: Wait, you mean accordingly? ME: *hides accordion* yes."

"Tie Me Up... One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. ""Tie me up,"" she purred, ""and you can do anything you want."" So he tied her up and went golfing."

"When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas."

"Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse's head in the sheets."

"I once met a girl with 12 boobs.... Sounds weird. Doesn't it? (takes a while to get)"

"A husband and wife were found smothered in their bed... Detectives called it the pillow case..."

"Wood Tits A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday. It would be funny if this joke had a punch line, wooden tit?"

"Politician (noun): Someone who will lay down your life for his country."

"How do you obtain Kate Upton's nudes? Easy, go on Twitter right now."