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Joke of the Day

"Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something."

"*Runs a bath Me: ok, jump in 3: it's too hot *Adds cold water Me: Ok, get in 3: it's too cold Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks."

"I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I'll be used to sharing the bed"

"why the sadman buy keybord? because is the ""key"" to hapennies"

"Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats."

"Top of my Med School Class: I don't just play God, I win. *definitely not remotely true*"

"""Hey, let's make the inside of this building & every square inch of everyone & everything smell like THIS."" -inventor of incense"

"What do you get if you cross a telephone with an iron? A smooth operator!"

"You want to know what marriage is like? Think of a prison... Now don't change anything."

"What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches."