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Joke of the Day

"People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese."

"If you're going to a wedding this weekend and you see a random stranger dancing his nut off on the dance floor, I'm sorry, I lost a bet."

"I've been called the Trump of the bedroom... Because sex with me builds up emotional walls that they end up paying for."

"Food snobs ""May I take your order? "" the waiter asked. ""Yes, how do you prepare your chickens? "" ""Nothing special sir,"" he replied. ""We just tell them straight out that they're going to die. """

"Police officer: When's your birthday? Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy... ten dash four PO: What year? Me: Ugh duh every year"

"What's the difference between you and a baby bird. The bird got laid."

"What do you call a black and white bra? Zebra"

"This haunted house sucks. It's just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Thank you for defining the word 'many' for me. It means a lot."

"How strange... Last night my flatmate only popped out for milk wearing no make up and instead came back with 4 packets of Haribo, 4 fun size Snickers and a 'Best Costume' trophy."