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Joke of the Day

"I discovered I have a fetish for figuring things out. (X-post /r/puns) I came to the realization."

"I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room. The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren't they?"

"""Dad, what's a sponsored tweet?"" ""A way for Twitter to make money, I guess. Now, pass the Metamucil with 100% Natural Psyllium Fiber."""

"If I ever had a one night stand and the guy texted me the next day and said ""nice to meat you""... I'd marry him."

"If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you've clearly never lost close to 500 GB's worth of data on your hard drive."

"Life is like a box of chocolates, The good ones are always gone before I get there!"

"What do you first see when you enter an Indian community? 50 shades of brown ;)"

"Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance, they looked like hare."

"Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck? Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread."

"I've learned a lot about women. Ex: if you're going to the hospital for a gunshot wound & she asks for tampons, you'd better stop on the way"