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Joke of the Day

"If i don't get a B+ or better on the Emergency Broadcast System Test this Saturday. My mom said she's taking my iPhone away for a month."

"I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck. Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank."

"In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it."

"Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair"

"I'm fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn't know I was pregnant, fat."

"You're so ugly... your birth certificate is a letter of apology."

"For everyone in the working world today: It's a Tuesday... ...which is like a Monday but with steel-toed boots and a slightly lower aim."

"Why was President Banana of Zimbabwe elected? He had great appeal. - Courtesy of my dad."

"Why do 19th century dancers repeat the last word in their sentences? Because they cancan."

"British politics is like a gym. Everyone laughs when they see youkip."