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Joke of the Day

"I had a weird dream I was eating a hairy lollipop. Woke up this morning and my wifes head was covered in slobber."

"what do you call a French OP a baguette"

"I always heat up my Thanksgiving leftovers. I quit cold turkey a long time ago."

"Niece: I like math M: 5 X 1? N: 5 M: *takes out phone* right N:You're using your phone? M: I got a text N: I didnt hear a sound *runs away*"

"I could bang a midget, but I don't give half a fuck."

"You know you're getting old when you go to a new doctor... ...and part of the new patient exam is carbon dating."

"Why did the dictator's plane crash? It was stallin'"

"VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name UK: no VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy UK: fine"

"Nightmare scenario: a man with the confidence of Pitbull and the talent level of Pitbull."

"Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives."