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Joke of the Day

"I used to be addicted... To the hokey pokey but I turned myself around"

"There's this sketchy joint downtown named ""The Disco"" ... ... I hear it causes a lot of panic!"

"This oatmeal tastes just like bacon because I threw it away and I'm eating bacon."

"If a girl texts you back ""k"" check all your previous messages to see where you fu*ked up."

"""Now?"" ""Not yet."" ""Now?"" ""Not quite."" *Car approaches* ""Now?"" ""Now."" -Deer crossing the road"

"""evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window"" - me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted"

"The baby gets furious when I try to undress him. He gets that from his mother."

"Losing weight is so easy now. I'm just chasing the kids around all day - Jared Fogle"

"to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other"

"*writes 'amount to something' on bucket list* *crosses it out* *writes 'mount something'* Yeah. That's do-able."