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Joke of the Day

"Im opening up a tattoo shop just for blind people. I wont really tattoo them. Ill just stab'em with a needle taped to a vibrator for an hour"

"It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads."

"My friends usually get upset with how often I make jokes, but I need to stay strong. You see, seven days without puns makes one weak."

"When telling your dog he's adopted, make sure to mention that you will never love him as much as the dogs you gave birth to."

"Need help with your math homework? Visit mcdonalds.com/careers"

"I would rather have Parkinson's than Alzheimer's Because it's better to spill half the glass than forget where you put the liquor."

"I think tomorrow I'm going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV."

"Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I'd just go to prison."

"Top Seven Things Men Don't See Coming: 7. Plot twists 6. Police cruiser 5. Love 4. Trash day 3. Health issues 2. Her reaction 1. That"