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Joke of the Day

"My wife and I have the cutest nicknames for each other. She is my buttercup and i'm her useless sack of s hit."

"I wonder what those old comedians who made livings cracking wise about airline food are doing now that there's no such thing."

"my dad asked me if I have an organ donor card. i guess he really is a man after my own heart."

"What's worse than locking your keys in you car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and ask for a coathanger"

"My doctor said I have about a month left. So I stabbed him. The judge gave me ten to fifteen years. Crisis averted."

"Saw a guy in the gym, ahead of me on the Lat pulldown machine, wearing a David Luiz T-Shirt Needless to say, I got past him."

"""Aww. You guys... And it's not even my real birthday! #flattered ."" -Jesus"

"COP: drop the gun CRIMINAL: no COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no"

"Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to."

"I'm going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game: What food is rotting in the office kitchen?"