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Joke of the Day

"I know Pluto isn't a planet you moron. Pluto's a dog."

"Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids? Hubs: With the door locked. Me: She means how do we manage...but yeah."

"How do you tell an Italian has a flat tire? Diego wop wop wop ."

"I'm dying, call me an Ambulance. Dad: Okay Dying, you're an ambulance."

"I'm working in a bar and a woman walks in and asks for a double entendre. So I gave her one"

"I am not an alcoholic. I simply enjoy living in liquid medium."

"Why did the Caucasian gymnast fall off the balance beam while on television? Because the white balance was off on the camera."

"My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands."

"The opposite of a nightmare is a morningstallion."

"Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I'm just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind."