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Joke of the Day

"My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands."

"The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn't give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying."

"I've been dating a homeless woman recently and I think it's getting serious... She's asked me to move out with her..."

"Our cats aren't enjoying the 90-degree heat. But I refuse to apologize for climate change until they apologize for pissing on the carpet."

"Somebody parked in my spot and now I'm in the market for a rocket launcher."

"Hey, did you hear that I'm dating Carbon Monoxide? They're a little clingy though, it feels like they're suffocating me"

"How do you recycle a condom? You turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it"

"Rape jokes aren't funny. Ask a rape victim if they think rape jokes are funny. They'll say no. Not like that ever did them any good though."

"I used to be into infantalism... I eventually grew out of it."

"WAITER: Your honor, when I said ""enjoy your meal"" he said ""you too"" ME: it was a mistake JUDGE: he gets half your meal W: thanks J: you too"