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Joke of the Day

"I used to accidentally hold hands with strangers I mistook for my dad. It's slightly weirder now that I'm in my 20s and doing it on purpose."

"I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well."

"""Say your house is burning."" ""That's okay. I got enough lumber in the attic to build a new one."""

"The average family income has gone up 2% while the cost of living has increased 23%. - Me explaining to my son why he can't have a sister."

"I'll never forget what my grandmother said to me right before she passed away. She said to me *""What are you doing?!?""*"

"How many women does it take to screw a lightbulb? Only one, but with a perticular FETISH"

"What's the difference between sex and a corporation? In sex the person on top does most of the work."

"Me: Is there any particular way you don't want your name pronounced? Percy: Not per se"

"Me: You should really try this lip gloss Her: this is super glue Me: HEAR ME OUT"

"What's a trees favorite drink? Root beer"