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Joke of the Day

"You know what I call it when cute girls cut themselves? Damaged goods, damaging the goods."

"""You know what would make a good gift for this 3yr old? A harmonica."" - people without kids"

"Vet: ""I can see the head... ...here's the neck... ...more neck... ...more neck... ...neck... ...neck... ...neck... ...still more neck... ...neck... ...it's a giraffe!"""

"Picking up this tiny piece of paper would take 1 second but instead I'm going to run over it 100 times with the vacuum at different angles."

"If you jingle my bells ill promise you a white Christmas."

"""PSST."" It came from my waffles. ""PSST,"" again. ""What?"" I ask, furtively. ""You look really nice today."" Complimentary Breakfast"

"I feel like the average weatherman is just meteor-ocre."

"Who envokes the most hatred out of male athletes? Caitlyn Jenner, because she's a far superior athlete to almost every man on the planet."

"I put my root beer into a square glass... now it's just beer."

"Just modified my GPS for when my kids are in the car. It says ""No, we are not there yet!"" every 30 seconds."