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Joke of the Day

"I put my root beer into a square glass... now it's just beer."

"What did the fireman say when the church caught on fire? ""Holy smoke!"""

"[all the dairy products r hanging out] Milk: lets go drink Cheese: yea Yogurt: yea Whipped cream: my gf says i cant. its scrapbooking night"

"I love when I have dramatic realizations over my morning cereal... ... I call 'em ""breakfast epiphanies"""

"Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn't seem to work as well for him."

"Wizard: Give me a burger Waiter: what's the magic word? Wizard: Abracadabra Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok"

"What words does Donald Trump find irresistibly sexy? ""You sick fuck, I'm calling the cops."""

"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.... We'll see about that"

"I'm not a violent person, but I'd happily throat punch the person that decided baby clothes needed a minimum of 20 buttons."

"You can't name your dog Jeff, that's illegal"